It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
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Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?