Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
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the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.