I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
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I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME