Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
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Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.