I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
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*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Bike for sale
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.