Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
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People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”