Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
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[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
inventing words: clothing
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter