For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
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*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Merica.
The Weeknd is back
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.