How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
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Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.