*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
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My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
🤣🤣🤣
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!