“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
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i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about