Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
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Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I鈥檓 45 and still don鈥檛 know what to do when live music is playing.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn鈥檛 love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart鈥檚 plane. Gosh, I hope she鈥檚 alright.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don鈥檛 even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He鈥檚 been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 馃槓
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*