Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
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My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.