Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
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MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
how much does a mortician urn in a year
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
*seductively corrects your posture*
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven