My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
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Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign