Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
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I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?