Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
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MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.