A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
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if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times