I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
You Might Also Like
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
*seductively peels off lederhosen
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?