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found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave