“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
You Might Also Like
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to