In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
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HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ