Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
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I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
#Caturday
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.