i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
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I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”