Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
You Might Also Like
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I鈥檓 sitting right here.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Remember folks 馃槀
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I鈥檓 not even remotely funny
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
When the battle starts, but it鈥檚 also laundry day
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either