<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
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what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead