Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
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It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Word!
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Owl Sanctuary
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.