My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
tourist season
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I love wikipedia
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there