Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
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Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…