ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
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Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
@funTweeters I am at your service….
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.