“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
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I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12