Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
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[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
that colleague who touches your screen
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*