doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
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Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
pep talk
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*