I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
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I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
So that’s what we looked like?
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*