You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
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I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Mornin. * use accordingly
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?