DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
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Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.