Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
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🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
“Great, now I have to pee.”
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets