If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
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Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”