i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
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It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating