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“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Thinking about Jeff
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”