*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
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Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Finally!
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.