I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
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Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
*offers Batman cough drops*