When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
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ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I have questions??
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.