sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
You Might Also Like
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
🙋♀️
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Finally, an explanation.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now