Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
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A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
This will teach them to underestimate me
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago