I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
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I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
buying dead houseplants to save time
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.