nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
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“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.