My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
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Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.