You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
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Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Unimpressed
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now