mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
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My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?